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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.