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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.