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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...