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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?