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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.