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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.