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I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.