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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.