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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Anything is legal when there`s no police around