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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.