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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.