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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.