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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.