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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on