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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.