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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Back in my day we had 9 planets.