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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol