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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Walmart needs observation decks.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…