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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.