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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria