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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.