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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.