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I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in