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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.