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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I had your cake and ate it too.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.