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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I wish common sense was more common.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.