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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat