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I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.