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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.