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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.