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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.