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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
It’s a status….not your diary…