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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...