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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.