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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.