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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords