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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I make a great second impression.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.