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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.