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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.