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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.