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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.