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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I laugh in the face of normal.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.