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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!