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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I dare you to spit on this status.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.