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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.