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If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.