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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.