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Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.