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Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.