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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing