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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.