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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?