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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”