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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.