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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
My pants are 75% off.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
it`s friday o clock
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.