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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.