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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.