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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.