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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5