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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?