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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Check this one out.........1
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up