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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360