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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.