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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.