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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.