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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Iād go to the gym but Iām still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.