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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.