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The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there