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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I put the pro in inappropriate.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
exercise........you mean extra fries
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?