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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?