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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"