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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!