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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times