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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!