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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!