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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Most problems can be solved with nudity
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."