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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.