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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.