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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.