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If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.