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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...