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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
My own personal hell sounds great, actually