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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Theirye’re, problem solved.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.