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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."