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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....